20 Idealistic Emails - Day 8

Dear Government:

Can we just make English our official language already? Our laws are written in English. The Declaration of Independence is written in English. Our street signs and food labels and money are all written in English. There’s a reason for that.  If you decide to live and work here, you should know how to speak the freakin language.  Speaking the language is one of the first steps in being a functional part of society.  Let’s stop printing some election ballots in Spanish, or offer GED tests in Vietnamese, or provide a Chinese translator for your drivers license exam.  Look, if I moved to Germany, I’d learn how to speak the German language….and what a beautiful language it is.  But I wouldn’t get all pissy with the bank clerk because she didn’t speak English, in fact, I’d expect her to get all pissy with me for not assimilating.

However, I would make second languages mandatory for emergency crews near border states. Example — police, and hospitals in upstate New York, Vermont, and Maine should always have some French speaking staff on duty, because French Canadians are travelling through the area.  Likewise, in southern Arizona and Texas (and Florida!) there’s a lot of Spanish speaking people.  People travel, they get into accidents and in emergency situations and they need to communicate.  Listen, I’m far from calling myself a world traveller, but I’ve done enough to know I was really fucking grateful when I found English speaking people when travelling abroad. It’s called being a good neighbor.

There’s nothing wrong with speaking your native tongue, but there’s also nothing wrong with saying, “Hey buddy, if you can’t speaka da language, we can’t helpa ya, capise?”

It’s time we stopped trying to please everyone, and just do what makes sense.  Besides, when you try to please everyone, you just end up pleasing no one.  If I have to listen to one more computer controlled answering system that pretends to be human while asking me if I want English or Spanish, I’m going to jab my brains out with an ice pick.  Just so you know.  Comprendemundo?

Signed,

CABIA