20 Idealistic Emails - Day 19

Dear Government:

Well, you’re gonna do it, aren’t you?  You’re gonna save the Big 3.  No wait, that’s not quite right.  What you’re gonna do is give them some cash, not as much as they wanted, but quite a lot, nonetheless.

I gotta hand it to you though.  At least you didn’t fall for any of their bullshit negotiating tactics.  I mean, we’re talking about car guys here, and everyone knows those motherfuckers will rob you blind quicker than a meth head needing his next fix.  When they first showed up without a plan asking for 25 billion, you sent them packing with their exhaust pipes between their legs.  THEN, when they came back with a plan, they tried to pull the ol’ bait and switch, saying they needed over 30 billion.  Looks like you’re only going to give them about 15 though, so I think you did good. Read more

20 Idealistic Emails - Day 18

Dear Government:

Boy have I got a deal for you!

I saw yesterday that you currently have over 33,000 wild horses that you’re taking care of, at a cost of over 24 million dollars a year.  Uh, I don’t really want to get into a semantical debate, but if they’re wild, why are you taking care of them?  Why are they corralled up?  Why not just let them go?  These are the questions I was asking myself while watching the report.

Of course, the report went on to say that we now have too many wild horses, which is why you’ve got them penned up, and I thought, okay, maybe that makes sense, until the reporter got to the part about you closing off the land they were using and renting it to cattle farmers.  Hmm.

Too bad you fucked the indians over so bad.  They might have taken them.  Except now they’re way too busy with their revenge, A.K.A. the casinos.

It kinda makes you wonder how the wild animals ever got along without you doesn’t it?  24 million bucks a year is a lot of coin by anyone’s standards……..even the Big 3 CEO’s.  But thank God you’re there in a pinch.  Think of all the people horses who would be living on the streets in the fields out in the cold if you weren’t spending all this money.  I don’t care what anyone says, you guys are doing a hell of a job!

Anyway, here’s the great deal I promised you. I propose that instead of spending 24 million dollars a year on these horses, you do the following:

• Lease me enough land, preferably in the Southwest where it’s nice and warm, to care for these animals.  My estimation is it will take about 1000 acres.  I will lease this land from you for 1 genuine U.S. of A. dollar per year.
• Me and my staff of cow pokes will care for these “wild” horses, including feed, water, minor medical, etc. in exchange for 12 Million dollars per year, invoiced at 1 million dollars monthly to the Bureau of Land Management.

Pretty sweet, huh?  I take these horse off your hands, and save you a cool 12 million smackers a year.  How could you say no to that?  I know you need the money.  Anyways, let me know, okay?  I think it’s a win-win deal for everyone, except maybe the horses, but for 12 million a year, I say fuck them.  We are prepared to move forward with this proposal immediately.  I am very excited about this, so you don’t have to worry about me backing out of the deal.

In fact, wild horses couldn’t drag me away.

Signed,

CABIA

20 Idealistic Emails - Day 16

Dear Government:

Well, you’ve gone ahead and done it now, haven’t you?  Told the Big 3 to give you a plan.  Is it just me, or is it that every time you try to “fix” something, you end up doing more harm than good?

Just about every one of you that could get any TV time in the last month or so has stood somberly in front of the microphone and pontificated that the Big 3 automakers are perched quite precariously upon the precipice of financial doom.  You played into their hands so well that now you’ve created a situation where these clowns are all but blackmailing you guys into give them the coin, saying things like, if we fail, we’re gonna take the banks right along with us.

Except that GM has come right out and said it.  They’re going to start, start mind you, by eliminating 30 thousand jobs.  Wasn’t the whole idea behind this cash flow pyramid scheme of yours to help them keep people employed?  Maybe it’s just me, but I think you should be worrying about the people, not the entity.

Let them file and let them reorganize.  It’ll bring the unions down to earth as well.  It’s no wonder they’re going broke when the average pay package for the factory workers is over $150,000 a year.  I’ll say it again, if you want to save the auto industry in this country, DO THIS!

Signed,

CABIA

20 Idealistic Emails - Day 14

Dear Government:

You guys kill me.  No really, you’re killing me.  I almost choked to death on my double cheeseburger last night when I saw the report that you’re thinking of making it illegal for fast food restaurants like McDonald’s to advertise on TV because of the “Child Obesity” problem that, according to you, has become an “epidemic” in our country.

Now, if you read yesterday’s email from my daughter, you know she’d say something like, OMG, that’s a joke!  If you’ve read any of my previous emails, you already know what’s coming next: Read more

20 Idealistic Emails - Day 13

Dear Government:

You guys are so off your rocker even my 10 year old daughter is starting to notice.  In fact, she was so appalled by something of late, she asked if she could write today’s letter.  I of course, said fuck yeah! So here you go……. Read more

20 Idealistic Emails - Day 11

Dear Government:

Please follow these instructions exactly as they appear below:

1. Remove head from ass.
2. Rinse thoroughly.
3. Take a deep breath.
4. Now get your shit together.

While you’re in the midst of deciding if you’re going to bail out the Big 3,  try not to let Nancy Pelosi stand in front of the microphone and say things like “If you show us a plan, we’ll show you the money.”  Is that what we’ve been reduced to?  Dealing with the CEO’s of the largest industrial corporations in our country as if they we’re movie characters?  Plus, Nancy Pelosi doesn’t even come close to understanding the character’s motivation like Cuba Gooding Jr. did.

How about you put Harry Reid in front of the mic as Dirty Harry and have him say “Go ahead punk, make my day.”  Remember the movie ‘Jaws’?  You could put Fred Thompson up there and have him say “I think we’re gonna need a bigger boat.”  What about the film ‘Independence Day’?  Great flick.  Remember the scene where Will Smith’s character punches out the alien?  If I were you, I’d put Congressman Charles Rangel up there, have him punch one of those guys out on national TV and say “Welcome to earth.”  Or if you wanted to get really creative, you could put a pair of shades on Michael Mukasey, prop him up against the podium and re-enact ‘A Weekend At Bernie’s.’ Read more

20 Idealistic Emails - Day 9

Dear Government:

I noticed this morning that, contrary to popular opinion, you’re still entertaining the idea of giving the Big 3 a little spending money to tide them over until our economy improves.  The hell of it is, I can’t hardly blame you.  They argue some very convincing points.

Without your money, they might go under.  If they go under, tens of thousands more people would be out of work.  Our economy would suffer to such a degree that it might make the Great Depression look no worse than my overdrawn checking account.  But I also noticed a disturbing trend in their argument.  They are arguing that it’s really no different than what you did for AIG.  And I’m starting to think they may be right.

So after many sleepless nights of soul searching and number crunching, I’ve decided that in light of current events, I’m going to have to ask you, Government, to bail me out.  I’m sorry it’s come to this, but, in all honesty, if you don’t bail me out, the internet will fail.

I know, I know.  It’s hard to believe that it’s come to this.  It sort of snuck up on me.  I’ve taken a very hard look at my cash flow, and quite frankly, I’m in trouble.  My accounting guy, (me) isn’t all that great with numbers, but I assured me that we’d find a way to make it, but now I’m not so sure, and neither am I.  And I’m telling you right now, as I go, so goes the internet.

Here’s the way it shakes out: Read more

20 Idealistic Emails - Day 5

Dear Government:

It seems I may owe you an apology, or at the very least, an explanation of my behavior.  Yesterday, when I sent this email, I received literally hundreds of emails in my inbox, (I’ve forwarded them to you, btw) and while most were supportive of my suggestions, a certain small, but insistent group suggested that instead of just complaining, I should have been more “forward thinking,” or “helpful,” or “proactive,” or, “whatthefuckever.”  In short, they wanted me to not just complain, but to offer more detailed solutions to the problems at hand.

Well, like you, Government, at first, I was somewhat offended.  Appalled, even. I mean, here I am, working my ass off every day, trying to get the word out, and these readers of mine have the out and out gall, the audacity, the impudence, if you will, to tell me, Duke Daley, how to communicate with you!  After I calmed down a bit though, I started thinking that, well, maybe they were right.  Fuck.

So, in an effort to ensure that you, Government, understand our wishes as American citizens, I am going to offer a real solution to one of the issues I addressed yesterday.  It is without question a hot-button topic, but Bi by God, I am, in effect, going to practice what I preach.  Can I get an amen?

Yesterday, in an effort to be funny and perhaps a tad bit cynical, I suggested that we let the oil companies bail out the car companies.  It was, in retrospect, a pathetic and selfish attempt to cement my place in the foundation of the economic recovery we all strive for.  Selfish in that I, a lowly blogger could offer up an idea that might be embraced by you, the powerful and mighty man behind the curtain our government, and pathetic because we all know that those greedy bastards who run the oil companies wouldn’t piss on us if we were on fire.  So, here’s a better idea……….a real way to save the American Automotive industry, and the millions of Americans they employ.

First, a little modern history recap.  Trickle down economics doesn’t work.  It’s time you just go ahead and admit that.  We’ve been dicking around with this concept for about 20 years, and with the exception of the reprieve we had from Slick Willie for eight years or so, it has become crystal-fucking-clear that while Ronnie may have been a wonderful motivator, he and his team sucked ass from an economic perspective.  Handing the Big 3 billions and billions of dollars is nothing more than a pure, unadulterated trickle down depth charge that will implode our economy and sink our country once and for all.

What has been proven to work however, time and time again, is to free up the economic stranglehold by letting the people spend their money.  Giving the Big 3 auto makers billions and billions of dollars to make more cars won’t work.  You can’t build a pyramid from the top down.  Jesus, it’s simple physics!  If you give the car companies billions of dollars, all they’re going to do is build more cars!  The problem is, no one can buy those shiny new cars because we don’t have any money and the banks won’t lend us any because they’re just about as fucked up as the car companies!

If you want to save the car companies, the jobs that go with them, and the economy at large, do the following.  It will work!

1. Send every tax-paying U.S. Citizen a survey and in that survey ask two simple questions:  Are you a licensed driver in the state in which you live?  And, What is your favorite make and model of American automobile, Ford, Chrysler, or GM?
2. Once you get the surveys back, send everyone who responded a check large enough to cover a substantial down-payment on the automobile of their choice.  And, this is important, make the check payable to both the survey participant AND the auto maker they chose on the survey.  For example, if I said I liked Ford, then you would send me a check made payable to me and Ford Motor Company.

That’s it.  The Big 3 and the economy are saved all at the same time.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s what would happen:

1. Upon receiving their checks, the American people would immediately begin shopping for a new car.  This keeps the car dealers open and the sales, service, and administrative people employed.  Unemployment rates drop.
2. Because the checks you’ve sent only cover the down-payment, the American people would go to their local lending institutions to borrow the balance of the purchase price.  This keeps the banks solvent, and keeps the bankers, tellers, accountants, and loan officers employed.  Unemployment rates drop some more.
3. Because the banks are solvent, they are now more comfortable about lending money for home loans.  More people are able to stay in their homes and/or purchase a new one.  The housing crisis is solved.
4. The car dealers would send the checks to the auto makers and the banks would send the balance of the loan amount as well.  The car dealers become profitable, invest in green technology for the future and more people remain employed.  New jobs are created as well.  Unemployment rates drop even further.
5. New cars have to be insured.  Upon purchase of their new cars, the American people would call their insurance companies and purchase more insurance.  This keeps the insurance agents, underwriters, actuaries, and claims processors employed.  AIG is saved.  Unemployment rates drop to an all time low.
6. Because unemployment rates are now lower than ever before, there is a fundamental shift in the overall perception that the economy is bad.  Things start to look better to everyone because things are better.  Not great, but getting better everyday instead of worse.  More and more people are able to find jobs.
7. Since more people are gainfully employed, more taxes are being fed to the beast paid to Federal, State, and Local governments.  This not only eventually funds the initial Big 3 bail out, but also helps to fund the much needed improvements to our infrastructure.

And all because we decided that the only way to rebuild our house is from the bottom up, not the top down.  By recognizing that it is the American people who are the foundation of our economic house.  That it is the American people who must be addressed first.  You don’t build your house by first putting on the roof, for fuck’s sake.  It. Can’t. Be. Done.

Or, we could do it this way:

1. Give billions and billions of dollars to the Big 3.  They build a bunch of cars for a while until the money runs out.  Again.  No one can buy them because we’re all broke.  Still.
2. There is no # 2.  We’re fucked.

Tell me I’m wrong.

Signed,

CABIA

A New Economic Stimulus Package

It’s time we ended the war. The real war. Not the war in Iraq, (although that needs to end about 5 years ago) or the war in Afghanistan. Not the war on drugs….or the fight against hunger, or AIDS….no, I’m talking about the really real war. The war on the middle class. End that war and the rest of them will go away all by themselves. Don’t believe me? Keep reading.

Let’s take a closer look. There are three very distinct social-economic classes in our country. They are:

The Wealthy. The wealthy account for about 2 percent of our nation’s population, but they maintain control over 80 percent of our money. More on this in a minute.

The Middle Class. The middle class currently account for approximately 45 percent of our nation’s population. I’m not going to get into the debate of how we define middle class, or the sub categories of upper and lower middle class……that’s a whole other topic. Suffice it to say, if you’re part of the middle class, you know who you are. How, you ask? Simple. If you’re in the top 2 percent (the wealthy), you just know it. You don’t have to check your bank statements, (although I’m sure you do), you just know. Chances are you were either born that way, or you worked your ass off, or got lucky and won the lottery, or whatever. Either way, the point is, you made it. Good for you, and well, fuck you too, you’re part of the problem. If you’re working a dead end job for less than a living wage, every month your utility bills are printed on pink paper, and your idea of an evening out for dinner is dumpster diving behind the Piggly Wiggly, then you’re part of the third class in our society, the poor.

The Poor. Poor people as a whole account for the fastest growing segment of our population. More people have become homeless in the last 8 years than all other years combined since we’ve been tracking homelessness. Poor people do not have health insurance, enough food to eat, enough money to buy clothes and school supplies for their kids, and most importantly, the means to get ahead. If you’re poor in this country, I’ve got some bad news for you. You’re on the losing team. The enemy is advancing, you’re out of bullets, and the rest of your troops, just like you, are too malnourished to stand and fight.

Geeze…….this is kind of depressing. So how do we end this war, you ask? Well, as it happens, I, Duke Daley, have the answer. Another government backed economic stimulus package!

Huh?

Read more