20 Idealistic Emails - Day 20

Dear Government:

Uh, in case you haven’t noticed, you’ve done one hell of a job on this whole housing crisis thing.  I was gonna go on and on and on about it, but decided I’d let my boy John do it for me.  Enjoy, fucknuts.

God, that fuckin Mellencamp knows how to lay it down, doesn’t he?

Signed,

CABIA

Giving The Housing Market A Lift

Behind on your Mortgage Payment?

Don’t Try This.

Addie Polk, 90, of Akron, Ohio has found Mortgage giant Fannie Mae’s soft spot.  Apparently, our fair Polk, so distraught over the looming foreclosure on her house, decided that the only thing she could do was to kill herself.  So that’s what she did…….or tried to anyway.  Ol’ Polk got her gun, and shot herself in the chest.  Ouch.

Turns out she didn’t die.  She’s gonna make it after all.   Turns out that Fannie Mae, after hearing of Polk’s self inflicted gun shot wound decided to forgive her mortgage, in full.  That’s right folks, if Fannie Mae is holding your mortgage and you’re in foreclosure, and you are distraught, well…..you have options.  All I’m saying.

Freddie Mac holds mine.  I called and asked what their policy is in a case like this.  Their guy said they don’t do self inflicted gunshot wounds, but if I were to send them my left nut, we could talk.

What?  You mean it’s going to cost me my left ball just to open the negotiations?

He held his ground.  I even asked him if they would take the right one instead (I’m having a little trouble with that one, anyway, and I thought, hell, if I gotta give em one just to keep my house it may as well be that one).  He was very emphatic.  It had to be the left one.  What the fuck is going on over there?

Well fuck him.  I’ll figure something else out.  He sounded gay, too.

Way to go Addie.  You’re an inspiration to us all.